By ELIZABETH WEBSTER

Copyright © 2005 Blethen Maine Newspapers Inc.

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When Lucille, my mother-in-law, died in 1998, my father-in-law, John, was inundated with a variety of delicious pies and casseroles from well-intentioned and available widows. But he didn't take the bait, as he was still pining for his wife of more than 55 years. John spent much of the next two years parked in his lounge chair in front of the TV.

His daughter happened to pop into a dress shop where Lucille used to shop, and the manager, Janette Porte, asked how the family was doing. She said her dad was lonely since his wife died. Janette was surprised to hear that Lucille had died nine days after her husband, Ray, died and told John's daughter to have him contact her if he wanted to talk.

On the coldest day that winter, John gathered up his courage and stopped by the dress store. John, then 79, and Janette, then 72, talked and found that they had much in common, including September birthdays 10 days apart and the same make and year of car. They both enjoyed going out for dinner and dancing. For the next three years, became inseparable. John died in 2003.

"We really lived it up during those three years and had a wonderful time together," Janette said.

KEEP CIRCULATING

Mary Quirion, resource developer for nutrition at Southern Maine Agency on Aging, stressed that people who have lost significant others shouldn't just sit in their houses.

"It's not good for their minds and just brings back memories. They should get out and meet new friends of both sexes. Even when you're not looking, you never know what might come around the corner," she said.

Quirion, 61, should know. She had been widowed for two years when she struck up a conversation with a volunteer driver with the Meals on Wheels program. He had just lost his wife, and she agreed that it was hard being alone for the holidays. He replied: "You're alone?" Come February, she and Roger will have been married for four years. "I couldn't be happier, and we don't even have much in common. He's a musician, and I'm tone deaf," she said.

Older women and older men are not on equal footing in the odds for finding romance because of the disparity in their numbers. The 2000 U.S. Census indicates that in Maine in the 65 years and older category, there are 107,398 females versus 76,004 males. Does that mean that older women should give up hope of finding love?

"I've found that no matter how old people get that they're still looking for companionship of the opposite sex," said Meredith Eldridge, recreation director at Portland Center for Assisted Living, where 82 of the 126 residents are women and 44 are men. "They still want to be loved, held and cuddled and share their experiences. The challenge is to get them together."

One resident, Lois Morse, 70, who had been divorced for more than 20 years, met her current beau, 80, at PCAL. Nurses mentioned to one of Morse's daughters, Deb Roberts, that they noticed the couple sitting together watching TV.

"They've been seeing each other for more than a year now. They go dancing and out to dinner at the Eagles Club in Portland. My mother is totally changed. She smiles all the time and seems very happy," Roberts said.

A CHANCE TO DANCE

In an arrangement with the Eagles Club, interested PCAL residents get dressed up and are transported there on the first Wednesday of the month for an evening of dinner and dancing.

"Our female residents have approached me about finding more male dancing partners and want me contact other assisted living centers to see if some of the men want to come to the Eagles Club," Eldridge said.

She noted that a number of female residents also want to add a personal ad section to PCAL's newsletter so they can meet members of the opposite sex and enjoy various activities with them.

COMPUTER ROMANCES

"Purchasing my first computer was a good investment. It found me someone to love," said Helene Thomas, 62, of Phippsburg. Thomas, a retired teacher whose husband died of cancer in 2002, met Cal on the Internet and has been seeing him for 18 months.

With beginner's luck, Thomas stumbled by accident upon the Cupid Junction Web site. "What I liked about the Internet was on long and lonely nights I found companionship reading through the profiles. I replied twice and only dated one person, Cal," she said.

Thomas explained that to create their profiles Cupid Junction users have to answer many questions such as what activities, sports, food, entertainment, travel, books and hobbies they like.

"I was attracted to Cal's code name of Ulysses. I figured he must have some smarts to know who Ulysses was and to spell it correctly. The second thing I liked about him was his love for dogs. He has two and so do I. We soon exchanged our e-mail addresses and didn't go through Cupid Junction anymore," Thomas said, noting that they e-mailed back and forth for about two months before meeting.

"I'd rush home from school and run to the computer to see if he left a message. When Cal said we should meet, I was very nervous. He said nothing could be as harmless as an outdoor L.L. Bean concert. So I met him at the Bean Boot, and we enjoyed the concert and a Ben and Jerry's ice cream afterwards. We were like kids all over again on a first date," Thomas recalled.

Thomas gives Internet dating a better grade than a blind date because it gives people a chance to get to know each other through e-mails. While she found love on the Internet, she advised others to "be cautious - there are some nuts out there - and not rush into a relationship because you are lonely."

ACCEPT EVERY INVITATION

Nancy Payne, 86, of Falmouth wrote a book that was published about five years ago titled "Widowing: A Guide to Another Life" based on her and others' experiences. "The best pieces of advice that I can give on being upbeat and positive about the rest of your life is to accept every invitation and to meet new friends," she said.

Payne noted that widowed friends will show true empathy whereas other friends can only show sympathy.

"It also helps if you don't take your dearly departed to every party. Choose an appropriate time and place to discuss your loss and don't be too receptive to the sympathy of your friend's spouse," Payne added.

Are there any easy ways to get back into circulation? The answer is "yes," if individuals are willing to pick up and dial the phone, said Bette Jewett, manager of information & advocacy at SMAA in Scarborough.

For instance, SMAA has more than 20 senior dining clubs where seniors can socialize and eat a nutritious midday meal. Some dining clubs have recreational and educational programs. Jewett recommended calling the nutrition program at 1-800-400-6325 to find the most convenient dining center and its schedule.

By dialing 396-6500 or 1-800-427-7411, callers can speak to SMAA representatives about meeting others through volunteering in programs that match their interests, attending a widow/widowers support group, reserving a spot to enjoy an organized day trip, taking a class at the Osher Lifelong Learning Institute at the University of Southern Maine or even participating in Maine Senior Games.

"Get involved in an activity that is meaningful to you. People are happier when they have purpose. Helping others will enrich your life, and good things tend to happen when you're not specifically looking for it. You just never know where you'll find love or companionship," Jewett said.

Elizabeth Webster is a free-lance writer who lives in Cape Elizabeth.

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